Settling
by sphinx81
Summary: Should he stay or should he go? For Mal, it's a decision he can't make for himself.


Should he stay or should he go? For Mal, it's a decision he can't make for himself.

Disclaimer: Sorry but I don't own these fantastic characters or the wide and varied 'verse they inhabit. I'm just moving them around for a bit.

* * *

"Well, ma'am, looks like everyone's done. We'll be happy to do the clean up. It's the least we do in repayment for that wonderful breakfast."

"What the...? We'll do what?"

"Thank you so much, preacher. And glad see you're so happy to chip in, Jayne. Zoë? Can you handle this bunch or are you gonna need my help?"

"We'll be fine. Thanks Lily. For everything," Giving the older woman a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, Zoe headed off the back porch into the house. Stopping suddenly, she realized she forgot something. Spinning on her heel, she said, "After we're done, the rest of us'll be heading back. That okay with you?"

"Ain't much trouble in the least. And make sure y'all don't break them plates. That's my good china...oh no you don't, boy. They can handle themselves. 'Sides, got a job for you shelling these peas," Lily said, putting the wooden bowl of peas in Mal's hands as she took some more empty bowls off the counter. Grabbing him by the arm and leading him out the back door off the porch, she steered him towards the small garden, taking a seat on the wooden bench. Mal immediately sat down next to her, bowl of peas between them, putting one of the empty bowls on the ground between his feet. He started peeling away, leaving the green skins and chucking the peas in the empty bowl, Lily following suit.

It was nice outside. He loved snow sun; the cool, crisp, clear light reflected by the tiny ice crystals of the snow that seemed to dance in all places at once, lighting up the surface of everything. It always proved one of the shiniest pleasures for him as long as he could recall. But the real joy of snow sun was the fact that it didn't burn you, turning you all red and peely. It didn't cause you squint as sweat trickled into your eyes while you baled the hay or herded the cows into the corral or chased after the chickens who decided that 2 minutes before supper would be the best time to get into her carrot and potato patch. Yeah, it wasn't that warm, but you got same effects without the hindrances.

"Haven't seen you in while, not since that time 'at the end of the war. Oddly enough, you came of your own accord then. Didn't nobody have to drag you back. Then again, there was that other time 'bout a year back when your ship near broke down and you had to settle down here for a spell. Anyways, figured it'll be nice to get a little quiet time with you for a bit," she said. Mal struggled to find his shucking rhythm and as usual, it amazed him that her fingers worked so quickly, shucking peas like she'd been doing it all her life, which of course she had.

He nodded at her words, and continued his task, savoring the fact he was able lose himself in such a simple chore. These times with just the two of them, accomplishing some task, no matter how big or small, were the moments he loved most. No need for tedious or spiteful words bandied about by eight angry mouths. No petty arguments over trivial issues of who did what to so-and-so, whose turn it was to do such-and-such, or why they decided to take a landfall here-or-there. No worry about how they'd find the next job so far out in the black, or who'd be the next to get shot, or worse. Nothing else necessary except for the comforting presence of one another. It was all they needed to convey the quiet yet unbreakable bond, a bond that helped him wake up and face the 'verse no matter how bad it decided to kick him around that day, that week, that month, or even that year.

She knew how much he prized these moments, yearning for them no matter how steadfastly he refused to discuss or even hint at it. So she set it up whenever he visited, taking the unspoken burden from his shoulders as she always did.

It was a real shame he hadn't been by in so long...

Pushing that last thought out of his head, he stole a glance at her, once again committing her to memory. She pretty much looked the same as last time. Still the tall and sturdy type, built for work if need be, able to do most of the hauling and heavy work if push came to shove, though there was rarely much of a need to do that now, not with all the ranch hands about, most of them coming home to stay near the end and after the war. Granted, her hair was a bit closer to completely grey, the brown streaks standing out against the grey ones instead of the other way around. Her hands were a little rougher, the nails short as always. She seemed a little thinner, but nowhere near alarmingly so. The wrinkles around her eyes and where she smiled furrowed a bit deeper, but it didn't detract from her handsome face. If anything she looked regal, like she'd lived long and learned well. But her cobalt blue eyes were bright, sparkling with something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"I could swear you've gotten taller, boy, since last time I saw you. Hell, even if you haven't, you've gotten older. The good kinda older, the knowledgeable and experienced sort. Must be that crew of yours. Granted, this is my first time seein' all of 'em, though I understand why considering..."

He opened his mouth to apologize, but she stopped him with a shake of her head.

"Ain't no need to apologize, especially when you gotta finish shelling those peas." Handing him another empty bowl to replace the full one, she continued.

"Ain't nothin' to worry 'bout. I always get word of what's goin' on with you. Got my sources. Anyway, I can see why you haven't been back in a while. Never thought I'd see the day when you'd have your own ship and still can't believe it. Hope you know all of us here are real proud of you."

He couldn't help it as an easy grin crept onto his face.

"Not to mention that crew. You've done yourself right by them and they by you, it looks like, judging from y'all at breakfast. And I like to think myself a decent judge a character. Heck I raised you, and you turned out pretty good...for the most part!" She laughed, pausing her shucking to cuff him lightly on the ear as he started to smirk.

"Don't you go laughing at me. I'd like to think I did a decent job on you, boy. Hope you think so too, 'cause all the rest of 'em back there keen it, whether you want 'em to or not."

Looking at her in confusion for a moment, he finally gave up after a few seconds, going back to shucking.

"As far as that crew goes, can only get that sorta thing workin' together but once in lifetime. And you struck gold in that regard. Good people, all of 'em in a right sorta way, no matter how much some of 'em try to hide it."

He finally gave in, allowing himself a full smile.

"...which is why I can't let you stay, least not this time, son."

Shocked by her outright refusal to even entertain the notion of him staying, Mal's face immediately fell as he dropped his peas into the dirt. Quickly setting down her bowl and wiping her hands on her patchwork apron, she turned to face him, reaching out and taking his hands in hers. He tried to pull away, but she held firm, refusing to let go.

"Ain't no need in arguin' something you can't win," she solemnly intoned. Mal tried to protest but she sharply cut him off.

"I _said _ain't no need to go arguin' on this one. You know I'm right, no matter how hard you try 'n bury it in that stubborn head of yours. It can't be ignored. You can't stay here. Not now. Not yet."

He shook his head, not believing it, trying to pull his hands out of hers, but her grip got tighter.

"Look at me boy."

Looking up at her face, he noticed she suddenly looked a lot younger for some odd reason...the furrowed lines were still there but her eyes were bright, brighter than he'd ever seem them. They were the eyes of an old soul, he thought, older than the very 'verse itself, so full of intelligence and wisdom that he couldn't even begin to fathom and would never get. No person ever would...

"You know why you can't stay. We both do. They need you and you need them. It's plain 'n simple, even if you can't seem to wrap your head around that at the moment."

He tried to free himself from her grip, but she only held on tighter, nails digging into his palms, a heartbeat away from breaking the skin and drawing blood.

"For the love of God boy, let me finish this 'fore you interrupt. And don't fight it, hon. It'll only make it worse. If you fight it, it won't ever be the same."

Mal relaxed, arms going slack. Seeing he wasn't struggling any longer, she loosened her grip, though she still held his hands in her lap.

"I know you don't want to do this, but the fact is, we ain't ready for you. Or any of 'em, but especially you. You gotta go. 'Sides, it'd be irresponsible for me to let you stay here, especially since they're all expecting you back. It ain't time to settle here yet."

Mal looked imploringly at her, eyes searching her face for any sign of surrender, but she shook her head.

"Oh honey, I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me too, but trust me when I say I got your best interests at heart. lt'll only get better."

Sighing, Mal found he had to capitulate. It was tugging at the back of his mind, the fact he knew he couldn't stay, no matter how much he wished it to be so. It simply wouldn't be fair, to her or the others. And he couldn't do that to them. Maybe to other folks, but not them.

After a few moments, she let go of his hands, giving him a sad but knowing smile.

"Judging from that sudden look of acceptance on your face, I reckon you decided what was best. You're going back."

Nodding, Mal stood up, picked up the bowl of peas at her feet and set it down on the bench, stuffing his hands into his pockets. As long he could remember, he never could win an argument with his ma, no matter how hard he tried. Luckily, some things never changed.

She quickly stood up, grabbing him by the shoulders, sighing with relief as she said, "Good, 'cause no matter what I say, the final choice is and will always be up to you. Now c'mere and give me a buss. You can't go leaving with any hard feelings 'tween us. That' just wouldn't be right."

He gave her a peck on the cheek as she hugged him to her tightly, finally pulling away after a few moments, breaking the embrace. Looking him over for a bit, she laughed, affectionately running a hand through his hair, causing the strands to stand up haphazardly, mussing it up.

"Boy, ya done good for yourself, but it's looking you're like to need a haircut. Zoë can't be lettin' you run around lookin' like you just rolled outta your bunk and into the nearest gutter. Look into getting a trim. I'm sure 'Nara knows how to do that. And don't you go getting' all tetchy 'bout it; she'll gladly consider it to just be a haircut, not a service. Now let's go get you packed up."

Pulling him up onto the back porch and into the house, she bustled about the kitchen, tidying up as he searched around for his socks and boots. Finding them, he took a seat, pulling them on. Pulling up his suspenders and buttoning the top buttons of his blue homespun shirt, he searched around for his gunbelt.

"Didn't bring that with you this time," she said, startling him, forcing him to turn around and face her. She couldn't help but smile; he always looked smarter and even a bit taller every time she saw him. They were all so proud of him. Eyes searching his face, she couldn't help but blink back a tear; no telling when he'd be back. She hoped it wouldn't be for a good long while though. If he came back too often, she'd start to worry.

Reaching up to adjust his collar and smooth down his hair, she took one last look at him before placing her hands on either side of his face to give him a kiss on the forehead.

"Now you get on now," she said, pushing him to out of the kitchen, through the front room and to the front door. "You know the way back; right up over the bluff there, not more than a minute that-aways. The rest of 'em left a while ago and should be back, waitin' for you. Go on now." She lead him outside, onto the front porch.

Turning around, Mal drew her in for a hug for a long moment. Releasing him, she lightly pushed him to the edge of the porch.

"Gotta go now," she said huskily, looking at him, taking him in for one last time, a smile coming to her face.

"Don't you go worryin' 'bout me, son, We got plenty of help 'round here. No need for you to come visit for a good long while. Get on now. They've been waiting too long."

He stepped off the porch onto the snowy grass, and started heading over the hill.

"I love you, Malcolm," she called out, voice fading. "Always have and always will. And I'll be here when you need me most." By this time, her voice was barely a whisper on the wind.

Turning around to give a final wave, he could barely make her out, forced to squint against the hard white light of the sun. It was so bright, he couldn't even make out the small homestead.

"Love ya too, ma," he whispered. Why was it so gorram bright? It was only mid-November and there wasn't enough snow to have the sun reflecting off of it so much. Snow sun shouldn't be this dazzling...

_If everyone could please quiet down.__ This is not an easy task as it is..._

_Why ya just sittin' there! Put those gorram hands of yers to use!_

_...go-shu lao chen ma bah! We don't have time for such ridiculousness!_

_...is one mistake, one miscalculation and then BAM!..._

_Is it...is it gonna be okay? Please, it can't be that bad. We can't lose..._

_So much...not meant to lose so much too much...losing too much...essence all gone..._

_...never given up before and I'm not looking to give on you now. Or the next time..._

_...wait...All we have left is a little faith..._

_That's it. Count it out loud. And one and two and three and rest. And one and two and three and rest...keep it going!_

It was so cold. Opening his eyes, he was forced to close them against the onslaught of the bright medi-bay lights. Someone should really look into toning down the wattage on those suckers. So many voices...

"Good to see you're back, sir. I would've had to kill you again if you left."

"Mrphmnamounerff _lao-muhduhbaoshen-gu__?_"

"Yes, but only for a couple of minutes. Lucky for you, you drowned in icy water, which played more of a contributing factor to flat lining rather than the bullets themselves, though they certainly didn't make the job any easier. You lost a lot of blood. Good thing the other two jumped in to pull you out, only costing them a bit of hypothermia..."

"Huh...?" The memories suddenly came flooding back. Job on Isis. The shoddy deal. Negotiations. The double cross. Shooting. His back on fire. Falling. Hitting icy water. Struggling. And then darkness...

"And...what about...the...other...group?"

"They ain't gonna be doing nothin' much ever, Mal. Shot 'em clean through myself after they put a few in ya, grazed Zo, and put a couple of flesh wounds on me. And we gots our hands on their part of the take, so we're lookin' to get paid double."

He tried to move, but he couldn't get his body to respond to his mind's instructions.

"It's the drugs. You'll be under them for a while considering the damage. Nothing permanent though."

"Looks like Simon pulled off 'nother one of his miracles, cap'n."

"You keep going at this rate Mal, he'll have to sew you back together in pieces. And we can't have that. Who would I have to bicker over the rent with or call me whor..."

"The bickering's always an added plus, as is the captaining, the general ordering around, and the dysfunctioning with various crew. Ow!...Lamby-toes, I didn't hear him order you make your boot connect with my shin!"

"I'm sure he was thinking it, son. Looks like you won't be leaving here just this yet, captain."

All of the babbling and bickering quickly devolved into white noise, the images blurring as he struggled to hold onto consciousness. Seeing he was fading fast, Simon began ordering everyone out. "The captain has to sleep. It's been an exhausting day for him, to say the least. In the meantime, we'll stay here in shifts. Inara would you like to take the first one? Thank you. If anything happens, just page me on the com."

"W-wait."

They all stopped, turning to face him.

"I can't go back...for a while...she won't...let me..."

"Who? Inara? She's right there Mal. He didn't go blind too, did he?"

"What in ruttin' hell is he babbling about?"

"Must be the drugs. I'll readjust the levels."

"No!" Mal smacked the doctor's hand away as he tried to punch in the new dosage. "It ain't...the drugs...Drugs are just fine...shiny...But I can't go back...Just..." he sighed in frustration as his mind stumbled over the words he tried to get out. "Forget it...Never...mind. Y'all be...'round 'bouts when I...heal up? You'll...still be here?"

"Course we will, cap'n!" Kaylee said as she walked over to where he lay. Smoothing the blankets back and giving him a quick peck on the cheek, she smiled. "We're always here. Where else are we gonna go?" she laughed as she followed the rest of the group out of the infirmary while Inara gracefully took a seat in the chair next to him. Watching them, Mal couldn't help but smile as he fell asleep.

_"...they're all expecting you back. It ain't time to settle here yet."_

It certainly wasn't. Looked like _Serenity_ was going to be his home for a good, long while.


End file.
